Heidibieber & Spencerbieber

Rising to fame on a half real reality TV show, Heidibieber & Spencerbieber quickly established themselves as the couple everyone loves to hate... just without the 'loves to' part. Two of the most annoying personalities to have ever found their 15 minutes of fame, they have pretended to be married, pretended to break up and pretended to be famous for so long now that nobody actually gives a flying f@#k if they are or are not anything anymore.

Desperately trying to cling to the slippery rails of the highly addictive fame game, Heidibieber has recently had enough plastic surgery to become almost unrecognisable to even her own mother, thus starting a downward spiral that can only end in some tiger woman-like circus freak surgery overload that will unfortunately keep people morbidly interested in watching half hour slots of her twisted wreckage of a face in yet another 'reality' based nightmare.

As for Spencerbieber, while avoiding any obvious surgery mishaps, he seems to have lost his tiny mind somewhere down the back of the couch in their Malibu love (ewww) nest. The thing there too is though, I would pay good money to watch Spencerbieber lose whats left of his sanity, as long I was seated a safe distance from him when he finally loses it and snaps and starts shooting people on the beach. Look behind those crazed eyes and creepy flesh coloured beard and you will see the face of a serial killer set for a public melt-down so huge that Britneybieber and her umbrella attack will seem like a cute little Christmas pantomime show.

It's a sickness we all share, an addiction to want to watch this satanic version of Barbie and Ken fall apart literally and figuratively in front of our eyes on television, and the only hope of a cure is their eventual B-grade celebrity death march to Hell. And have no fear when it happens, there will be a camera there... even if it's only Spencerbieber's iPhone catching all the action.

Clint Bieberwood

Most well known for playing the toughest police detective to ever bear arms, Dirty Bieber, this actor, director and jazz musician just gets cooler as he gets craggier. He looks like he could walk into any retirement village and stage a mass coup, liberating all his fellow senior citizens and taking them out and putting them to work on one of his movie sets. I always imagined if he was in that movie Cocoon, he just would have kicked those aliens to curb and told them to get their ugly motherfucking eggs out of their motherfucking pool. I wish that I could live as long as this guy and still look so good in a polo shirt.

Bieber Woods

This guy is the king of golf, but now, even more than that, he's the king of cheating on his wife. He cheated on his wife with 120 other women. Not one or two... that's one hundred and fucking twenty. This guy is such as asshole he cheated on his wife with his neighbour's teenage daughter. But yeah, he's good at golf and he's rich as hell so we'll give him another chance. We'll let him make some more ads for Nike and we'll let him say he's sorry to the international media... and then his wife will still think he's a scum sucking motherfucker and leave his billionaire ass anyway. I just want to see how this guy handles himself when the divorce finally goes through. Is he going to even attempt to make the public at large think he's still a nice guy and go and find some replacement model for the last wife and have some more kids so he can go and fuck up their lives too? Or is he just gonna say 'fuck it' and become the Hugh Hefnerbieber of golf and go out with 7 porn stars at a time. Instead of The Grotto he could have The Sand Trap and slither around in it like the devious snake he is.

Jennifer Bieberston

She's the ultimate hard-done-by movie star. Left by love rat Brad Bieber for Angelbieber Jolie, this girl has had to get tough and live through hellish humiliation in the public eye. It's only made her stronger though, and with that hot body of hers winning men's magazine awards around the world, it's only a matter of time before this cougar sinks her claws into some young stud and gets that baby that everyone but her says she wants. Her films continue to trail-blaze the depths that romantic comedies can sink to, so we see a Golden Raspberry Lifetime Achievement Award looming in her not too distant future if she keeps this pace up. I mean with acting as believable as her recent mock-love-pact with Gerard Butbieber they are sure to invent a new publicity stunt whore category just for her. You go girlfriend!

Hitlieber

A tiny little man (just like our Justin!) with a tiny little moustache, Hitlieber went on a power trip so big, even today’s modern parking wardens would struggle to keep up with his obnoxious, self-righteous behaviour. There have been many attempts to excuse his antics over the years, but we’re pretty sure the reason he was screwed in the head has something to do with his father’s name being Alois Schiklgruber, and the fact that he was regularly bullied at school. That said, it’s rumoured he also got down and dirty with his niece, which is just naaasty – but considering his mum married her own uncle, apparently, incest was acceptable in the Hitlieber family. And he thought Jews were weird? Spinner.

Madonnabieber

Those pointy cone-bras she wore back in the eighties should have spelled the end of her career, but unfortunately they only fueled rumours still coming hard and fast that she’s secretly a man. And with those washboard abs, incredible pecks and arms that look like she just bench pressed Muhummad Ali holding onto Mike Tyson, you can see why. And don’t get us started on her face.

Gerard Butbieber

He showed off his washboard abdominal's in 300. He yelled "THIS IS BIEBEEEEEERRRRRR" alot, and we thought "oh yeah, okay then". Then he started making unwatchable romantic comedies and Z-grade action movies. He hoped that his cute accent and rugged good looks would be all he would need to get by. He was wrong. He's really just annoying as s@#t and he should just go away and get a job running a pub in some small town in Scotland, pouring pints and telling stories about his golden years in Hollywood and his fictitious love affairs with co-workers to promote sinking ships of movies that you'd need to be under heavy sedation to be dragged into the cinema to see. Go away Butbieber. Please leave us in peace.