Clint Bieberwood

Most well known for playing the toughest police detective to ever bear arms, Dirty Bieber, this actor, director and jazz musician just gets cooler as he gets craggier. He looks like he could walk into any retirement village and stage a mass coup, liberating all his fellow senior citizens and taking them out and putting them to work on one of his movie sets. I always imagined if he was in that movie Cocoon, he just would have kicked those aliens to curb and told them to get their ugly motherfucking eggs out of their motherfucking pool. I wish that I could live as long as this guy and still look so good in a polo shirt.

Bieber Woods

This guy is the king of golf, but now, even more than that, he's the king of cheating on his wife. He cheated on his wife with 120 other women. Not one or two... that's one hundred and fucking twenty. This guy is such as asshole he cheated on his wife with his neighbour's teenage daughter. But yeah, he's good at golf and he's rich as hell so we'll give him another chance. We'll let him make some more ads for Nike and we'll let him say he's sorry to the international media... and then his wife will still think he's a scum sucking motherfucker and leave his billionaire ass anyway. I just want to see how this guy handles himself when the divorce finally goes through. Is he going to even attempt to make the public at large think he's still a nice guy and go and find some replacement model for the last wife and have some more kids so he can go and fuck up their lives too? Or is he just gonna say 'fuck it' and become the Hugh Hefnerbieber of golf and go out with 7 porn stars at a time. Instead of The Grotto he could have The Sand Trap and slither around in it like the devious snake he is.

Jennifer Bieberston

She's the ultimate hard-done-by movie star. Left by love rat Brad Bieber for Angelbieber Jolie, this girl has had to get tough and live through hellish humiliation in the public eye. It's only made her stronger though, and with that hot body of hers winning men's magazine awards around the world, it's only a matter of time before this cougar sinks her claws into some young stud and gets that baby that everyone but her says she wants. Her films continue to trail-blaze the depths that romantic comedies can sink to, so we see a Golden Raspberry Lifetime Achievement Award looming in her not too distant future if she keeps this pace up. I mean with acting as believable as her recent mock-love-pact with Gerard Butbieber they are sure to invent a new publicity stunt whore category just for her. You go girlfriend!

Hitlieber

A tiny little man (just like our Justin!) with a tiny little moustache, Hitlieber went on a power trip so big, even today’s modern parking wardens would struggle to keep up with his obnoxious, self-righteous behaviour. There have been many attempts to excuse his antics over the years, but we’re pretty sure the reason he was screwed in the head has something to do with his father’s name being Alois Schiklgruber, and the fact that he was regularly bullied at school. That said, it’s rumoured he also got down and dirty with his niece, which is just naaasty – but considering his mum married her own uncle, apparently, incest was acceptable in the Hitlieber family. And he thought Jews were weird? Spinner.

Madonnabieber

Those pointy cone-bras she wore back in the eighties should have spelled the end of her career, but unfortunately they only fueled rumours still coming hard and fast that she’s secretly a man. And with those washboard abs, incredible pecks and arms that look like she just bench pressed Muhummad Ali holding onto Mike Tyson, you can see why. And don’t get us started on her face.

Gerard Butbieber

He showed off his washboard abdominal's in 300. He yelled "THIS IS BIEBEEEEEERRRRRR" alot, and we thought "oh yeah, okay then". Then he started making unwatchable romantic comedies and Z-grade action movies. He hoped that his cute accent and rugged good looks would be all he would need to get by. He was wrong. He's really just annoying as s@#t and he should just go away and get a job running a pub in some small town in Scotland, pouring pints and telling stories about his golden years in Hollywood and his fictitious love affairs with co-workers to promote sinking ships of movies that you'd need to be under heavy sedation to be dragged into the cinema to see. Go away Butbieber. Please leave us in peace.

Quentin Taranbieber

This guy is one of the coolest movie directors in the world. In the 90's he changed the face of modern cinema forever. He made extreme violence and torture funny. He took washed up actors and made them uber-cool. He can act, direct and write like a bad motherf@#ker. He has a record store in his house. Nuff said.

John Biebvolta

This guy is the comeback king. He's like an acting yo-yo. He's come and gone so many times we don't know if he's coming or going anymore. He, like Tom Biebercruise, is a devoted Scienbieberologist. He likes to believe in stories that even your most open minded 5 year old would not believe. He has hair that Justin Bieber will oneday pray that he can afford. He can sing and he can dance his ass off. Hell, this guy can even fly a jumbo jet. We loved him then, and we love him now. Whyyy-yie-yie-ohhhh why? Cause he's Johnny.

Simon Cowieber

He is the most powerful man in modern music. Like it or not, his opinion counts in todays music world and he has launched the careers of everyone from The Teletubbiebers to Susan Bieberboyle. He is sexy with man-boobs of steel and a smile and a wink that could melt the hardest of hearts. You want him to give you positive feedback. You want him to love everything you do.You want his approval. You want him to be your biggest fan. You want him to hold you close to that manly chest and whisper that he thinks that this has been your best performance ever.

Brad Bieber

He's one of the worlds sexiest men. He has a house truck load of children with one of the worlds sexiest women, Angelbieber Jolie. He's the guy who had an affair while married to Americas rom-com sweetheart Jennifer Biberston and got away without losing his Mr. Nice Guy image. He kicked ass in Fight Club and sliced up Nazi's in Inglourious Basterds. He can grow one hell of a beard when he wants to. He always looks happy, but then you'd look happy too if you had his life.

Barack Obieber

He's the most powerful man in the world. He is just what the world needed after George W Bushbieber went and screwed everything up for us all and set the world to ruin. He is a visionary and he is a shot in the arm for the world of politics. He has a fight on his hands but he is ready for it. Always bet on Barack Obieber.

Usherbieber

Usherbieber is the guy who signed Justin Bieber. He's the guy who started all this. He's the guy you used to like and now you are not so sure. He's the guy that you saw on American Idol, and not knowing much about his music or the man himself, you actually thought he seemed like an amazingly talented and cool guy. Then you found out that he's the one that signed Bieber to a record deal. He's the man you can't forgive. He's the one that dragged you into this hell in the first place.